Part One: The Doormat – How to stop getting manipulated!
Anxiety is complicated. Some of it happens because of your own experiences and some of it is triggered by ‘them’ – the people who try to control how you act, react and choose in life.
In Part One, I talk about the Doormat with a specific angle – someone who is kind, compassionate and has done something to help someone in need, and is now being treated like their kindness wasn’t enough.
Let’s handle the first probable cause of why THEY feel entitled to tell you that your kindness wasn’t enough, that you owe them more and that you have disappointed them.
- YOU did not stop when the boundary was being crossed.
- YOU did not stop them from crossing the boundary.
- YOU did not stop yourself from the boundary being violated.
RESULT? They feel there is no boundary and they assume they are now entitled to anything they want you do to do for them.
- THEY will ignore how much of your resources you gave up.
- THEY will ignore that they may not have given enough or any!
- THEY will ignore that you’ve done more than most will do.
- THEY will ignore that you were there for them out of your kindness.
- THEY will ignore that you did it out of care and compassion.
INSTEAD
- They WILL make it sound like you OWED it to them.
- They WILL highlight the smallest contribution they made.
- They WILL ignore how much you contributed and what its’ worth.
- They WILL ignore others did not and will not offer same as you.
- They WILL ignore that you have your own life and limits too.
Also note and ask yourself and them
- Did they EVER reach out to you when you were in need?
- Did they EVER stop to check-in on your well being?
- Did they EVER stop to notice anything concerning you posted?
- Did they EVER express their gratitude?
- Did they EVER receive equal value from someone else?
- What RESOURCES would have been required?
- WHAT did you seek in return of your help to them?
And they will use passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, entitled approach and demand to know why you are not doing more because they feel like what you have done is not enough, because they know you can be walked all over and treated like a doormat because you never stopped them when they are crossing your boundaries.
Your reason for not stopping them was your own compassion for their situation. They read it as ‘you owe it to them to do more’ and the cycle goes on until you start feeling burdened, suffocated, and ultimately your anxiety is so high that you can’t function, you can’t think and you are too anxious to reach out to them and say they are being unfair.
It is still not too late. Remind yourself and to them –
1. What you did was out of your kindness, not obligation
2. What you have done is the limit of what you can
3. Limit of Resources you and maybe them put together
4. You’ve done your part within the resources available
5. If they want more, they have to contribute
6. You are not bound to give more, especially if you cannot
7. Their action does not show gratitude and appreciation
If they understand it, discuss together and define the boundaries clearly this time. If they try to argue, show you how you are wrong, how you have not done enough and they are entitled to more, remind yourself – they are treating your compassion as their entitlement and that is not okay. Politely express this to them and announce that you are unable to continue the liaison with them.
Walk away, for your own peace.
